Most of us have had a "failed" relationship at one point or another. I use quotes as I believe no relationship is ever a failure and no breakup is either. ⠀
The only way to fail is if we don't learn and grow through or after it.⠀⠀
But why do we, so stubbornly, try to stay in relationships that are obviously not working?
Growing up with fairytales we adopt the idea of "the one". Someone who will show up, love us, make us feel safe, fill the void, complete us...⠀⠀
Well that's not how it works. ⠀
We are already whole. ⠀
We just need to remember it under all the layers of pain, suffering, trauma, conditioning...⠀ And until we do, nobody can save us and relationships will be bound to fail, because there is no "the one" outside of you.
YOU ARE THE ONE!!!⠀ ⠀
Don't get me wrong, I do believe in soul mates and twin flames, but not as a romantic idea of one perfect person out there with whom, if we meet them, everything will be perfect forever after. I believe we have soul contracts with some people, maybe from past lives or some place else. And when we meet them we both carry a lesson for each other. This lesson can come in many variations. It might be passionate and loving, difficult and painful, with ups and downs, but it's never superficial. ⠀ ⠀
When I met my ex 4 years ago, a few weeks later in ayahuasca ceremony I got a "message": "He is more than you think, stick with him".⠀⠀
Before that I saw him as a playboy good for couple of hookups and nothing else. After the message, I got attached to the idea that we have a soul connection, which we did, but I misunderstood it and from that point on, ignored all the red flags, took in whatever was coming my way, stuck with him long after I should've been gone, forgiven crazy shit, lost respect for myself, sank deep down in toxicity, attachment, addiction to emotional trauma... all with the idea that he is THE ONE and I should stick with him.⠀ ⠀
Now looking back, he WAS the one - although not for "happily ever after" but to teach me self love. ⠀
Because there is no "the one" outside of me. I AM THE ONE!!!
Months after the breakup, when the addiction to our relationship finally subsided and I could see things with clarity, it started becoming hilariously obvious that we were not even a good match. ⠀
Our life values are not aligned, we have very different personalities, we get excited about different things, physically he is my type but I am not his, we deal with emotions differently, we percieve the world very differently, our sexual desires and expressions are fundamentally different... ⠀ ⠀
Then wtf was the force keeping us together for so long? ⠀
There was love for sure, but that wasn't the glue of our relationship. I still love him dearly but have no desire or intention for any kind of romantic or sexual connection.⠀ ⠀
What kept me in was the false idea that he is my man (the one). That everything else doesn't matter and commitment to love means loving him through thick and thin.⠀
There was a trauma bond between us and we were both afraid to let go, thinking we can't do better, we are meant for each other, we are "too old" to start over, we have been through so much to leave now, he/she is the one, if we abandon us - we abandon ourselves... All kinds of crazy mind games and tricks.⠀
At the bottom of it all was both of our brokenness from childhood. Growing up witnessing toxic relationships of our parents, experiencing abandonment, unlove, fear, being unsafe...⠀ So emotional drama, even though soul draining gave us some weirdly comfortable familiarity, bond of two individual traumas in attempt to create one whole 😅 ⠀ ⠀
The whole story could have ended completely different if we were both ready to drop the masks, embrace the mirror in each other and heal past wounds.⠀
After all we were never a good match, he is one of my greatest loves, we were stepping stones in each other's evolutions, but he was never truly the (only) one.⠀ ⠀
Gratitude and love for those few special ones that forever changed my life ❤️