Sexual Desire and Trauma
Emotional suffering and drama in a relationship is known to kill our natural spontaneity and with that sexual expression changes.
My whole adult life I was sexually adventurous, curious and open minded. In my mid twenties I started practicing tantra and took it even further, learning about the movement of energy, sacredness of sex and all kinds of different orgasms I didn't know about before.
Even though I heard stories of women not being able to experience orgasm or having it very rarely it was never my reality as it was coming to me easily and frequently.
Then I found myself in a very difficult relationship with a lot of drama, feeling unsafe, not seen, not respected... And my whole sexual experience changed.
I was less spontaneous, rigid, uncomfortable, struggling to orgasm, afraid to express myself fully. As the time was passing it was getting worse. Sex was the place I was trying to get bits and pieces of intimacy, attention and love. So much so that after 4 years I made a connection between trauma and sex.
Only now am I noticing the patterns of behaviour and subconscious in me. Observing thoughts that get me off in masturbation I realise what turns me on is on the edge of (emotionally) painful, tricky, challenging. And it wasn't like that for most of my life. I used to have very healthy relationship with my sexuality.
The encounters I had post trauma relationship were mostly beautiful, I felt seen, respected, desired... all the things I missed before, yet somehow I struggled to relax and fully enjoy it as it was coming freely and with no (painful) strings attached.
Recognising the pattern is the first step to healing.
If it went from healthy to unhealthy so easily it can definitely go the other way as easily.
What I notice works for me in this process is taking time to explore my body, to listen to little signs and reactions, to feel where the trauma is and release it with love and care.
Self pleasure can be a ritual of self love.
I know many of us do it quickly to get a release and move on with our day, but at least once in a while take time for yourself. Light candles, play nice music, get some aromatic oil and give yourself some love and pleasure.
This goes for both men and women.
Touch yourself as you would want to be touched by a perfect lover. Give attention to places that feel tense, possibly carrying trauma.
Embrace all of it.
If the tears come, let them flow, we carry so much around and it's stopping us from experiencing sex in all it's sacredness. Instead we do it almost as a punishment for ourselves or our partners.
Another very important thing is not to fall into your pattern by choosing unavailable partners that will provide that kick of emotional trauma that might excite us.
Easier said than done, but healing wounds is work of a warrior. To fall many times and still learn to get up and keep moving in the direction of healing.
Keep your vigilance high and choose the path less travelled.
Sooner or later we will all heal and reunite with our higher self. This or some other lifetime...
Why not sooner better than later? 😉
Photo by @mosunomedia