Being at Peace is a Decision
Updated: Oct 5, 2019
End of July was very difficult for me. The month started in harmony and love. Everything was even better than usual, internally and externally.
Then one day I started feeling discomfort in my chest. Used to self investigation, I tried to observe and see where it comes from. There was nothing wrong around me. My partner was treating me beautifully, he would spoon me all night and when he turns around he would still hold my hand. Offering hugs when he felt I needed them <3
Job was good, social life amazing. Surface level life was perfect.
Then I noticed I started judging and disliking my partner, quietly in my head, as I knew he didn’t deserve it. It was bothering me but I couldn’t stop it. He started feeling it, asking me why I am distant, when I was not able to hide it anymore, I asked for some space and time in my shell until the blues is gone.
This triggered his insecurities so he withdrew and then the party started. There was blaming on both sides, misunderstanding, fighting, verbal abuse. In the midst of not talking to each other one night I looked at the sky and saw the Moon Eclipse.
Now that made a lot of sense. I know it’s easiest to blame it on the Moon, but sometimes, no matter how conscious and awake we are, we succumb to planetary influences and let shit hit the fan.
I failed, but I was also aware of my failure as it was happening.
The eclipse was followed by the Mercury Retrograde, difficult communication, lost in translation, madness. I came to the point of packing my bags and moving back to Thailand.
As I was saying good byes and sorting my things to leave Spain, I realised it is my home, no matter what’s happening internally or externally, it makes me sad to leave my home.
Luckily, that little common sense left in me decided to stop the childish games of always leaving.
My life in Thailand was over long ago. My partner and I made truss and decided, yet again, to try and lift our relationship from the dead. This time, no more leaving. I realised there was part of me addicted to processing, always digging deeper. To tell you the truth, self exploration and inner work are beautiful and necessary, but it’s a rabbit hole, once you start running down it, it takes a lot of awareness to stay sane.
I did pack my bags for a two week retreat in Sierra Nevada National Park in the South of Spain.
As I was leaving on the last day of August, my heart was trembling, I felt that I lost my love forever, I have tried to break up with him so many times, out of fear, insecurity, desire for things to be the way I wanted them.
I never stopped to think how unsafe it made him feel.
He was far from perfect, but I didn’t have to fall into it and play a childish game of projecting my wounds onto the other.
I was leaving with deep sadness that comes with the loss of the Beloved.
There was nothing I could say to make sure he waits for me when I come back. There was nothing I could do to reassure myself he is not gone forever.
So I landed at my destination, feeling slightly numb, slightly anxious, not belonging, but also not desiring to be anywhere else. Happy to be away from home and missing the idea of it at the same time. So I made a decision to survive it, as I don’t like giving up.
On the second day we settled in our off grid resort in the mountains, I figured I will do what I came here to do and slowly count days.
But two weeks is a very long time when you’re somewhere you don’t want to be.
As I was finishing my delicious dinner while watching sunset, the idea came to my mind.
What if I approach this time as a meditation retreat, like karma yoga or selfless service? If I feel every moment deeply with presence, while breathing fully. In that moment I dropped all the thoughts and compulsions. I realised in the now it’s entirely unimportant what will happen two weeks from now. I am surrounded by gorgeous nature, beautiful people and so so much peace, why not feel it and be nourished by it.
Being at peace is a decision and the mind can come up with it, but it’s the heart that sticks with it and lives it moment by moment.
I am lying in super comfy bed in my tree house, writing this and thinking, if peace is a decision why wasn’t I able to feel it 2 days ago or 2 weeks ago or even 2 years ago…
Maybe sometimes we need to remove ourselves from every day life, from those we love and those who have hurt us, to see life in a different perspective, to come closer to God. To stop obsessive thoughts and see, all that is left is balance, bright yellow pure existence with nothing to do and nowhere to go.
As I breathe in the fresh mountain air, I feel tingling in my chest.
Divine is in me.
I am my “the one”.
Life is beautiful!
Can you feel it?